he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
