in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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