i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
