If i come over, it means nothing
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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