I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
