I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
