I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
