One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize