Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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