Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
