i may or may not be watching the land before time
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
