I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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