Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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