we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
