just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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