Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
