NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
