hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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