I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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