dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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