you would pick up someone in the library
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
