I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
