I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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