my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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