I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
