No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i think my cat just said my name.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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