sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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