I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
