I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
