birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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