your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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