so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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