why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
