dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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