The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
