You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I am spending my child support on dildos
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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