summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
