i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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