How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Blood and glitter go together right?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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