Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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