I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
