Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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