Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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