It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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