yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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