WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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