MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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