Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
