Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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