He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
