Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
