Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you will always have a special place in my vag
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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