And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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