Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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