That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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