Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize