Only a mothe r could love this liver
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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