is your mom at the bar?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
