I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
